Searching for Sunday {walking by faith because sight is not an option}

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best, the sermon echoes through the walls…

This song has been running through my head for over a week now – not for the whole of it, but simply for the opening of the second verse. The words echo a longing in my soul, as I find myself searching for answers.

Reflections on a Sunday

Recently on a Sunday, I dragged myself out of bed, threw on some clothes, and loaded the kids in the van to head to church. I was supposed to be serving in the nursery that morning, and there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have made the decision to get out of bed that morning if I wasn’t previously committed to serve.

When we got to church, I discovered that I wasn’t needed in the nursery {no babies that day}, so suddenly, I found myself in the sanctuary participating in the worship service.

To be honest, I had missed being in the service over the past few weeks {between serving in the nursery and traveling, it’d been a few weeks since I had been in the service}, so a part of me was glad for the change of plans. But another part of me dreaded the confirmation of something I’ve been on the verge of realizing for a few months now…

…the loneliness of being part of a close-knit community and yet feeling like you don’t belong.

This church has been our “home” for the past 4.5 years, and yet, I’m feeling less and less connected each time we go. I can’t figure out if it’s me {if I’ve built an impenetrable wall around myself} or if it’s God’s way of telling me it’s time to make a change, and I’m scared to admit that I’m even questioning it.

church in black and white

Peace in the Midst

I hate not knowing. I hate feeling alone in the midst of a crowd. I hate wondering if I’m being self-centered and selfish. I hate being left to make a decision that I don’t want to make. I hate knowing that if I go, I’ll leave pain and confusion in my wake.

Sometimes I wish I could let someone else make the decisions for me – to tell me what the black and white answer is to all the grey in my life.

I’ve prayed for answers, and I’ve prayed for peace. God’s granted me the peace, but the answers are still out of focus.

So for now, I search. And I pray.

And I walk by faith, because sight is not an option.

—

See where I’m linked up…

Photo credit: dicktay2000 on flickr.com

My Reflections on The Prodigal God {Chapter 1}

My Reflections on The Prodigal God {Summary}

An Invitation to Grow a Confident Heart

http://www.terilynneu.com/ TeriLynneU

Oh Ashley, praying with and for you about this. Thank you for being so honest about your struggle. It is one I can definitely identify with (only my reason for going isn’t the nursery, it’s that my husband is on staff). That alone-ness in the midst of the crowd … I wonder where that comes from and how to combat it. It’s so real, tangible at times, for me. Not always, not even often, but enough that I believe the descriptions offered by others experiencing that same thing.
- http://blog.ashleypichea.com Ashley Pichea
  
  Thank you, TL!
http://www.joyinthisjourney.com Joy in this Journey

That’s so hard to discern sometimes — if the problem is inside or outside of us. Praying that you see which way it lies soon.
- http://blog.ashleypichea.com Ashley Pichea
  
  Thank you, Joy. Your recent series on searching for church has been a great encouragement to me during this journey.
Carol Anne Swett

((Ashely)) I was in tears last night wrestling with this SAME issue. It is miserable to be in a body of believers and feel like the outsider looking in. I go thru the same self doubt wondering, “Is it me? Why is it me? What should I do if it is me? If it’s not me, why are they so happy and why don’t they see what I’m feeling.” I endured that sad reality for three yrs before I left the last church I attended. Since then, I have not been able to work up the courage to try again. I continue to pray for you each Monday. Now that I know, I am praying for this sense of isolation? Pray for mine in return? Love you!
- http://blog.ashleypichea.com Ashley Pichea
  
  I will definitely be praying for you, @1f1fd4e7d48710132d2616b883ddfa5a:disqus!! For me, pray for direction in leaving {where to go} or staying. I’ve lived in “isolation” for so long, it’s not even a factor in my decision-making process anymore.
http://ourgoodfamily.org/ Aurie Good

Oh girl…{{hugs}}. I have so been there, and even now I feel on the outside, even as the pastor’s wife. Praying for you that you will find your home!!
- http://blog.ashleypichea.com Ashley Pichea
  
  I so appreciate the prayers! I almost wonder if being in leadership {or married to the leadership} plays a role in the “outside” feeling… I resigned from my leadership position last week.
  - Jimmie
    
    It really can (leadership).
    
    When I get in those funks, I chalk it up to my own self-focus.
  - http://ourgoodfamily.org/ Aurie Good
    
    Good for you. I often think that people hold on so tightly to those roles and sometimes it’s good to step back and evaluate!
maggieirussell

I thinks its the Reverence Girls…..I Know its wonderful to have Praise Songs that encourage youthful Ideas Of loveing God …but as we mature….I have become more & more aware we spend very little time in Reverent Worship, Seeking God to ask forgiveness for Our small discrepancies throughout the day…of reaching for Old habits to answer question we could deal with useing scripture, letting Gods word become the answers. Lately I have Started adding the old hymns to my daily routine, & Praise Music to my workouts. & Asking God to make it about Praiseing just Him Alone for one hour on Sunday Morning………then I took it a step further…I added a reverent time of serious Bible study to my day…I found that Gateway has reformation information & the Thompsons chain refrence is free online & Ive added sermons to my week & stopped relying on the Church to feed My Soul …But fo me to respect God enough to Seek him Face to Face………….its why he tore the veil…So we would talk to Him Personally…Not just in Prayer, or Praise….But like a Father at the Head of the Table….Ready to sit down & eat with Him the first meal of the Day & the Last Dessert!….It has filled me with joy in the most trying of times & forced me to praise him in Pain….& its been worth the journy to Know I can Do it!
http://thepelsers.com Amanda Pelser

We’ve been dealing with similar issues for the last few years. {hugs}
http://www.facebook.com/jill.bolhuis Jill Bolhuis

Can absolutely relate to your blog, Ashley. Thanks for being the courageous one and posting this!