{Mark 10.11-12}

EDIT: I’ve updated this post for the Faith JAM on 2/24/11. Some of the thoughts expressed have been fleshed out in the comments below. I would encourage you not only to consider the words of the post but also the discussion in the comments. May forgiveness and grace be the result!

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{Mark 10.11-12} “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Divorce.

Such a “hot topic” to avoid in most Christian communities today. So many marriages today, both Christian and non-Christian alike, are ending in divorce. How do we respond?

Personally, I’ve been affected by divorce in my “extended family.” It hurts. Two very dear couples to me both divorced in recent years, and both hurt me so much. I wasn’t even part of their lives anymore (both couples were like parents to me growing up), but I still struggle to connect with them when I’m around them.

I don’t want to judge, because we all make mistakes in life.

“All have sinned…” {Romans 3.23}

In my own marriage, divorce is not an option. If it was… well, we won’t follow my selfishness and pride down that path. I am so glad for grace and for forgiveness, both from God and from my husband. I am such a mess of a human being, and apart from God’s grace I would be in a much worse place.

{Photo source: DaySpring – click for details}

Where I’m going with all of this? I’m not quite sure. I just know that this issue of divorce is one that I can’t wrap myself around without feeling pain.

I pray that God would heal broken marriages and restore relationships walking towards destruction. I pray that God would help those of us who are married to be intentional about protecting our marriages. I pray that we would all be forgiving and gracious towards each other, wherever we are on the marriage/divorce spectrum. I pray that this would not be an issue that divides.

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penguinelk

Part of our pre-marital counseling focused on how we are to NEVER invoke the "D" word in our marriage. Never. Not joke about it. Nothing. Just going against the world and knowing that that word is just not an option (especially in the midst of heated arguments when our sinful nature just wants to hurt the other one) has really helped. Right after we were engaged, a woman prayed over us and kept praying against divorce. The thought has been in the back of my mind ever since that we aren't "immune" to divorce and that we need to continually work on our marriage.

Just a month ago, our senior pastor confessed to a long term affair. It's been heartbreaking in so many ways. At the moment, he and his wife are still together though she is hurting. He has been sick and requires around the clock care, so in addition to the pain of the affair, she has to care for him around the clock without time to get away and heal a little before moving forward.

Oh – this makes me long for heaven…
apichea

Amen!

I'm not sure we were told not to bring the "D" word into our marriage as much as we ourselves decided from the beginning that it was not going to be an option. It has definitely been a positive thing to have that mindset, as you said, especially in the midst of adversity and disagreements.

So sorry to hear of your pastor and his wife. I pray that God would give her an extra special portion of His grace in her life, that He would be glorified through her difficult service during this time.
Guest =]

I feel like so many Christian couples today fall into the habit of saying "We're never getting divorced, it's not even an option" … but by the time the kids or grown, sometimes even before that, the couple is divorced in every other way but are still 'married'. They might have separate bedrooms, separate lives, etc. A sermon series on marriage that I recently listened to from Pastor Mark Driscoll (Mars Hill Church, Seattle – HIGHLY recommend!) brought this truth to the forefront of my mind and I realized that promising to never get divorced just isn't enough. Like you and others have stated, there is daily effort that has to be made. Pastor Driscoll asked what merit or joy there is in saying, "We never got divorced" – was it just so others would think that you were a good Christian? Or was it out of honor for God and for the covenant you made before Him? Those questions are so helpful to my husband and I as we work through as many issues as possible, every day, as soon as they crop up. We don't just want to survive – we want to thrive and enjoy our marriage as God intended. I'm encouraged to see discussion on this topic. =] Thanks for posting!
Chele

Wow, I could write a book about this Ashley. I have strong feelings towards it and have many drafts written on it. I'm a once divorced, a once single Mom and now remarried. God gives second chances. Especially, when He wasn't in the first marriage anyhow. ;)
megs3782

Definitely a hot topic and a great one at that. I don't see divorce as an option. You made vows for a marriage and God doesn't permit leaving those vows because you think you deserve someone better, something better, or just plain b/c you're tired of that person you're married to. Why say "For Better Or Worse"? The only time I think marriage is "ok" in God's eyes is adultery and that clearly is stated in the bible. I can't wait to read and discuss this further!
Wendy

Amen Chele! As a woman who married and divorced before coming to Christ, I'm so thankful for that second chance!
Stephanie (MomKaboodle)

I hear ya, friend. Hubby and I have been surrounded by friends lately who have succumbed to the "D" word. It makes me sick in my heart and in my stomach. It has given us a scary wake-up call that, as you said, we need to be intentional about keeping the Enemy from our marriages. It seems that he's devouring so many…..!
Praying with you for protection!
Chele

me too Wendy!
Erin

I love this comment…especially, "we don't just want to survive – we want to thrive!"
Erin @ Closing Time

For some reason, my Disqus avatar is not showing up…the comment above is from me, ErinClosingTime. :)

Logging in via twitter this time… maybe it will work!
suzannah {ShoutLaughLove}

when it comes to MY marriage, like many said, it it crucial to see divorce as "not an option". we'll do the hard work of reconciliation together–no matter what.

but, i don't know anything about YOUR marriage. i don't know about abuse or any other struggles, and that is where the Church fumbles so often in being a community of grace and love. we can't judge another couple or family because we don't know what it's like–and a couple can't really go the distance if only one spouse will commit to do the work.

thankful for God's graces. my parents are in my dad's second marriage (32 years strong). our family is a testimony to how God can work everything for good–even the brokenness of divorce.
Mary

Ashley,
This has been a big concern in our family discussions: How should the body of Christ treat Christians who divorce? In our family we also know that "divorce isn't an option" and my guess would be that many of the couples who are now divorced didn't think it was an option either at one time. Very, very tragic and sad. I think the response from us, as Christians, to those left after the carnage of divorce is not to scold, but compassion, love and GRACE in unmeasurable amounts.
Wendy

Ashley, I'm compelled to address one point in particular because it hits so very deep into my own heart…specifically, the point where you share the pain you've felt over your "extended" families divorces and your struggle to connect with them. By your own admission, you weren't part of their lives anymore. But the sin of divorce keeps you from connecting with them now? When, most likely, they need your love and understanding the most? I'm sorry, I sincerely hope none of this sounds harsh, but as a woman that has been on the receiving end I know how deeply that hurts. As if I didn't beat myself up enough with the guilt of being divorced (despite the very real abuse and anguish I suffered from my ex-husband), the endless wonderings of whether or not I could've tried just a little harder, could've silently suffered just a little longer…but then to be treated so coldly by other Christians, particularly the members of my 2nd husband's family, all purporting to be such strong, lifelong Christians. Where is grace? Where is compassion? You quoted Romans 3:23, and rightly so. Is the sin of someone else's divorce so much greater than your own sins that you can no longer share the love of Christ with them? As the body of Christ, we need to grieve with the parts that are grieving as well as rejoice with the parts that are rejoicing. It saddens me deeply when so many who could help restore their brothers and sisters instead choose to turn away because they "don't know how to connect".
Sorry for the soapbox…like I said, I really felt compelled to address that.
Brandon

This is one of the hardest topics to discuss without offending someone. It's kinda like running to a party and swinging a bat wildly till you hit someone. Either way you are doing to strike some nerve with someone eventually. No person goes into marriage with the intent of divorce. However it would seem that many go into it as the "escape plan".

That is not the case for my marriage, but we both were married previously. My wife got out of an very abusive marriage that almost ended her life and the life of their daughter "my now adopted daughter with the biological stripped of all rights". Can you honestly tell me that she should have stayed and forgive him, Cause that is exactly what she did over and over to the tune of 8 hospital visits and 6 lost unborn children. Was it God's will for her to stay there and let her or her daughter get killed? NOW @ megs3782 IMAGINE THAT WAS YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER! Is that grounds enough? Did she or her daughter "deserve better"? or Should she stuck around for it to get Better or Worse? It wasn't getting any better.

As a fellow christian and as we are are having fellowship right now, I want to remind you that the Old Testament is a guideline and as Gentiles we are to adhere to the New Testament. Please take time to read http://net.bible.org/dictionary.php?word=Divorce%20In%20The%20New%20Testament. It is a great study reference.

I hope no one was offended by this. I did not mean to specifically call you out meg3782. I just want to help all of you along your christian path and open your eyes a little more than just a single black and white statement in the bible. The same topic is brought up multiple times with more lessons and different views as Jesus talks to different people.
Chele

I just love this comment. We are not to judge others… it's God's thang! :) We are not living in their homes.
Chele

Wendy, I completely agree and is exactly why I have not shared on my blog my heart on this topic. I'm not sure that is what Ashley was saying but I have been there on the receiving end like you and still am. It's not easy to be the one that has been through divorce and be in the body of Christ… actually it's not easy being a lot of things in the body of Christ because of people looking down on you because of your past. It is just that the past and people can slap you in the face with their comments or lack thereof and bring it all back to life. I know. It was just that the past and until you know God has forgiven you, it's hard to deal with. Why can't we all be forgiving for any sin… they are all equal anyhow. Whoops just wrote a post! lol
apichea

I completely agree. This is one of the hardest things, I think, about being married without the option of divorce in the marriage. There's definitely a difference between surviving and thriving. Unfortunately, many of those marriages who manage to survive are struggling to thrive. It takes intentionality and real work to be in a thriving marriage. Thanks for the reminder!
apichea

I am so glad for God's grace and forgiveness in our lives! Second chances are His specialty!
apichea

I agree, Meg, though I do believe there are definitely circumstances that divorce can come into play. But when the divorce is "all about me and my wants," I would definitely agree that it is wrong. Thankfully, God is sovereign over all the events of our lives, and He can turn the ashes of our lives into beautiful works of His grace!
apichea

Thanks for your fellowship of prayer!
apichea

I definitely agree… judgmental attitudes and actions have no place in the discussion. Grace and love are so important. As a few people said above, God is the God of second chances – may we remember this as we interact with each other!
apichea

Thank you for sharing, Mary!

Unfortunately, we live in a society where individual Christians seem to think that they have all the answers to their neighbor's problems. I think there's a verse that talks about examining the plank in our own eye before we try to gouge out the speck in our neighbor's eye…

Thank you for the reminder that we need to love on those who have been left behind in the carnage of divorce. So often, they are suffering beyond what we can imagine, and our job as brothers and sisters in Christ isn't to condemn but to love.
apichea

Wendy,

Thank you for your comments. I'm sorry I didn't explain this more fully. I hope that the following will help you to better understand where I have ended up in these relationships…

The two couples I referred to previously are ones that played a large role in my growing up years. They are (or were) located near my parents' (they were both very good friend of my parents), and as I've moved away from "home," I no longer have constant contact with them. Most of the contact I have is on Facebook or when I am "home" for a visit. I have not cut-off contact with them, but I feel as if the contact is some how strained now. It's also hard because of the strained relationships now with my parents and these couples. I still love them all dearly, and I pray for them as God brings them to mind.

It's something that I struggle with and that I continue to take before God, asking Him to show me how best to love these individuals with the limited contact I have with them.
apichea

I have to agree with your final thought, especially, as it is something that has been coming back to me throughout the day… sin is sin. God hates all sin, yet when we ask His forgiveness, He administers it freely. Why can't we as believers also forgive one another with the same grace and forgiveness that God offers?
apichea

I agree that this is definitely a difficult topic to address. As I stated in response to another comment above, I would not say that divorce is a "no" across the board. There are definitely times when personal safety is to be valued over "keeping the law." I believe that God can work in many different ways in relationships, and that reconciliation is always the best road. However, reconciliation is not always possible, and we as believers need to extend the same grace to those in such situations as God does.

Thank you for sharing!
Cheryl

This issue of divorce has touched more of us within the church body more recently than in previous years. It's important for each of us to have an understanding of what God's word says in light of critical spirits as well. A divorced person is the same person we have always known, but with a different set of circumstances. If we have been true friends with them before a divorce, then are they to be treated any differently because of this life change? The church can be almost a nasty lot in its judgement for discipline and I think it forgets its role as "restorer". God has already redeemed us for those sins we commit and gives us the earthly job to represent Him in love and compassion to those hurting around us. "Bear one another's burdens".
Over and over, Christ gives testimony in His word that we seek forgiveness and He is faithful to forgive us.
It is hard to understand why divorce happens to God's people, but what the rest of us have to be careful of is righteous condemnation believing that sin can be categorized. God restores people and has used even those blemished by sin for a greater purpose, both evidenced in his word and throughout history. So we, too, must be careful not to judge in such a way that it inhibits God's plans for us all, and yes, even for the divorced believer.
If you are hurting over these friends, perhaps it would do you well to think how they may be feeling, too. Not unlike the Amish who "shun" those who go against their rules, these families you speak of have been cast out from Christian relationships once to have been true and full of love. Forgiving them and embracing them back into fellowship with a "body" is a necessary step for both a healthy individual and church.
sisterlisa

I have counseled some dear friends about this as well… it's not an easy topic, especially when there is abuse or the other spouse is not yet a believer. Bitterness runs deep. Forgiveness is something that comes with maturing in Christ. First of all, that passage is in Mark..which is before the resurrection. When Christ raised, He brought back with him the New Covenant of grace. The Law was made stricter before he died, to show the Pharisees that even they couldn't live up to it. There are consequences in this lifetime..no doubt. But sometimes divorce is safer than remaining in an abusive situation..even mental abuse overtime can create an extremely unstable marriage. I never hold anyone to a Law that kills them. Every situation is different. We need to live by the Spirit of love and grace.
sisterlisa

Thanks for sharing that, Chele ((hugs))
sisterlisa

Agreed! And many marriages facing divorce don't want to reveal the dirty details to their friends. We just don't know the magnitude of their situations. They need lots of love and grace.. when a church couple goes through a divorce..is just when they need grace all the more..not judgment.
sisterlisa

Fabulous! I agree..grace..grace..grace. The 'church' doesn't have to 'do' anything about people who get a divorce. Just love them. Their decision is hard enough as it is, let alone heaping judgment on them during their trial..
Brandon

Thank you, I love to see the insights from other Christians on this topic. But the thing that I see that I am so proud to see is the people who believe that divorce is not an option. If a family puts God first the rest will fall into place, and with the ability to have these conversations on here is great spiritual reinforcement. Thank you for starting this topic!!
Nikole Hahn

I'm a grown child from a bitter divorce. Psychologically, it messed me up. It messed up my birth father to deal with my mother's own issues from childhood. To this day, I have broken off that relationship with my mother because of the hurt and verbal abuse she turned on me, but I have reconciled with my birth father.

When I got married I made a decision to learn from my parents mistakes and not become part of the statistics. Yes, my parents divorced, and no, I'm not going to divorce. My husband and I established the grounds of our relationship early on. Communication is so important; just as important as fighting fair.

Women need to respect and love their husbands and husbands need to respect and love their wives. I think our society has grown up on feminist views long enough and our idea of romance has inflicted our views on relationships. Love is a choice.
FaithBarista

Forgiveness definitely has an integral role in our marriages. Thanks for bringing this topic up in the jam. Comments here were rich, Ashley!
apichea

I like want you said: "Love is a choice." I think the first time I realized
the truth of this was as a newly-wed, and knowing that loving my husband in
the moment would look like getting off the couch to wash the dishes. Love is
not just a fuzzy warm feeling, but it's what we choose to do when the
feelings are cold. Thanks for sharing!
apichea

Thanks, Bonnie! I pray that many were encouraged and challenged to think
outside the box – to view divorce and forgiveness from God's perspective.
Kim

My husband and I always said divorce is not an option. Unfortunately, he believes adultery is. I’ve caught him in two affairs and several inappropriate friendships. So we continue in a cold marriage where we go through the motions. I don’t have his heart, other women do. Since divorce isn’t an option, he has no motivation to work on the marriage or try to renew our love. And he expects forgiveness and grace and unconditional love and submission from me. Which I give because I have no choice as a Christian woman. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare sometimes and often wish the Lord would just take me home.

http://blog.ashleypichea.com Ashley Pichea

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Do you have a pastor or Christian counselor who you could meet with at your church? Because each individual’s situation is different, I avoid giving any counsel via the internet, and so I would highly recommend finding a local Christian individual who could counsel you through this difficult situation. I will definitely be praying for you and your marriage – if you have any specific requests I can be praying for, I would welcome an email: ashley{at}ashleypichea.com.

living intentionally by faith everyday

L.I.F.E by Ashley Pichea

{Mark 10.11-12}